Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
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I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’m not lazy
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again