Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Chemical wingman
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
So the ex texted me
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
He’s cranky this morning
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…