Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*limbos under the caution tape