*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”