Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!