He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
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There is no “ea” in Tim.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???