thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
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Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
there has never been a better use of this meme
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.