i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath