Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.