[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
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My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Cha-ching is my safe word
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.