A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
How to wake up a Beagle
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
*pronounces fake like saké*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.