[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?