If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.