People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
wtf management?!
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.