The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.