I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?