Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*