Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me in tagged photos
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?