God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
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PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes