My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I am yelling
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules