nature’s most graceful animal
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.