NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
man i love columbo
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.