Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Got him!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re