Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens