Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave