I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
You Might Also Like
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
How it started: How it’s going:
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one