I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich