(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class