I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.