Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Life is a suicide mission.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!