It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
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God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be