You Might Also Like
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.