VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
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stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?