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People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Good morning, Twitter x
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.