america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food