Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
You Might Also Like
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
emergency phone
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?