“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
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Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The Friday File.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.