My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.