when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
very niche meme I made
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”