And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Poetry is my passion
Thanks to a fan for this one.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er