Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
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I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.