I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense