I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂