If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.