A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Current mood: Potato
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.