the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Golf would be better with landmines.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
what could possibly go wrong?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”