I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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ugh not again
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.