told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Sending in my taxes
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky