i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
You Might Also Like
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)