C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.